Different.

(Side note before I start this blog post: I am currently sitting in a Caribou Coffee with my latte to my left, typing out this blog post, and I have never in my life felt so incredibly douchey.)

Anyway.

It is weird how much we change and grow from the time we graduate high school and go through a couple years of college. I feel like, in theory, it isn't weird, because obviously spending so much time in such a different environment is bound to change you as a person. But when you see the results right in front of you... I personally feel like I dissociate a little bit. It is very... weird.

Several examples of this have been brought to my attention in the very recent past few weeks. I began talking again with someone that I was very good friends with in high school, and some of the actions this person took recently disappointed me (to say the least). I discussed it with my friend Sara, and she told me, "they are not the same person from high school. The person you were friends with was someone else." That is so sad, but also so true. I think we hold the people we knew well once upon a time to these unfair standards, where we want them to behave exactly the way they would have when they were seventeen years old, because that's how we knew them, so it's only fair. But it isn't fair. I myself am not the same person I was when I was seventeen, not at all.

Examples of this were brought up recently as well:
1) Me being told that I sound much more mature and older now than I did when I was in high school.
2) My lovely friend Kira telling me that I was much more "aggressive" and demanding when it came to standing up for myself, and that it impressed her.

Those are two small things that were brought to my attention recently. I'm sure there are more. But it just sort of puts it into perspective. People grow and change and hopefully it is for the better, but even if it may not be how you want them to behave, they are growing and maturing in a way that will hopefully better themselves in the end. It's normal and fair for people to look out for themselves first. It's like what they say when they're giving safety instructions on the airplane..."put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others." Does that make sense?

So... yeah. That was a jumble of a lot of cryptic thoughts. I had stuff on my mind and tried to let it out.

Anyway. Life goes on. Short disastrous weeks of summer will hopefully repair themselves to go back to how it used to be. Right...?

Love,
Fatima

☕

Hi. Yes. Hello.

I know what you're thinking. "She doesn't blog for three years, and then posts something two days in a row." Oh well. I feel like I should be utilizing this blog more to deal with my constantly bottled up feelings. Writing is a great outlet, and from what I recall I didn't have as many messy problems my senior year when I was regularly posting to this blog.

But then again... "nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed." What a painfully accurate quote.

I don't really have anything special to say. I just felt like typing this out as a way to again procrastinate from my MCAT studying, as well as stop my eyes from flitting to my phone to see if someone texted me back. Yikes.

Anyway. I am currently sitting at a small corner table in Starbucks, one that can barely hold all my things (I definitely dropped my notebook on the floor a little while ago and a cute old lady wearing a pearl necklace and perfectly manicured fingers gave me the sweetest smile in response to my tragically clumsy self). One of the baristas was cleaning the floor so he moved all the tables and chairs to one area on the floor, and it took everything in me to not ask him if he needed any help. I did ask him if he wanted me to move to a different spot, and with a nice smile he replied, no, of course not. So I continued to watch him while thinking about question 181 in my chemistry prep book (When methane gas and oxygen gas are made to undergo combustion in a sealed container, and the temperature brought bak to the original temperature....what?)

Thats all. Fin. Adios. Bye.

Love,
Fatima

2015.

Hi Blog.

I have been talking to old friends from AP Comp recently, and it made me nostalgic for the time in my life when I took one of my favorite classes in high school, which involved an even briefer time when I was writing so much and so often, that I actually looked back at what I wrote and thought to myself, "wow. This is pretty good."

Anyway. Of course as soon as senior year ended and the blog posts were no longer required, I stopped writing them, even though I told myself I wouldn't. That's how it usually goes for me. So I won't be making any promises this time, but you never know...

Reading back on my old posts, it is so funny to see how much has changed. In a blog post I wrote on January 7, 2012, I discussed how I definitely did not want to become a doctor the way everyone expected me to, just because of my dad. I passionately state how I want to do something with writing when I am in college, because writing makes me happy. And yet...

I am about to go into my senior year of college. And guess what? I went the pre-med route. I will be taking the MCAT in exactly 18 days from now (something I should be studying for instead of writing this blog post...). I am constantly stressing about who to get letters of rec from, wondering if I'll get into medical school, and imaging myself in my white coat.

It's funny how things change. It's also kind of sad. Even though I don't regret going the pre-med route; I regret becoming complacent with my writing abilities, and I regret maybe not making every decision with the thought that "this is what will make me happy." I'm blabbing now.

I did go into college thinking that i would major in English, but I wasn't sure where this would take me. I ended up majoring in Child Psychology with a minor in Neuroscience, and on the pre-med track, and I am set to graduate in exactly...10 months. Oh man.

Anyway. This post was nostalgic and I miss blogging, even though I'm sure no one will be reading this. So it is basically like I am standing on a stage in an empty auditorium, whining about growing up. Maybe I will come back to this blog. Maybe.

Love,

Fatima 

Dear Fatima...

Hello, Fatima of the future, it's past-you again.

I know, I know, I just wrote to you less than a year ago, but since I haven't received any signs that you time traveled to the year 2012 to communicate with me and give me some answers, the questions and confusion just keep increasing.

So here's another letter to you.

I'm almost nineteen, and I'm finally in college. I know that last time I wrote to you, I seriously had issues with high school, and just wanted to be done so that I could start college. Come November of my freshman year, I'm not so sure I like this better. The adults that I interact with will insist that these college years are the best years of my life! and I'm sure they are! It's just that right now...everything seems confusing and I just want answers.

I went to this networking event yesterday, where alumni came to the U to talk with students, give advice, and serve as connections for us in the future. All of them talked about how they came to be in the professions that they were currently in, and a majority of them followed random paths that they said had a lot to do with luck and being in the right place at the right time.

This. Drives. Me. Crazy.

I'm a planner. It's true. No matter how fun and carefree and free spirited all those "go with the flow" people are, I've always been one that loves to have every detail planned out. I think being in college has intensified this.

Being a planner and wanting a solid foundation makes this "oh you'll figure out a way" mentality seriously overwhelms me. For everyone that I've talked to about being stressed out about picking a major has always responded with "well, you're a freshman! You have a lot of time!" No! I don't think I do. I like thinking of my future career as a destination, and I can't follow the map and take the shortest route if I have no idea where I'm supposed to end up.

Future Fatima...I really hope you found something that you were passionate about to pursue as a career, something that makes you happy but also supports you. I really hope that I stumble across this passion soon.

Love,

Fatima

The curse of the coffee maker.

Coffee makers are a really simple way to make yourself a nice cup of coffee in the morning, right? All you have to do is fill the water reservoir with the correct amount of water, add some coffee grounds to the filter, and turn it on. In about 5 minutes you should have a nice, steaming cup of coffee.

Right?

Um, no.

For some reason, since the beginning of September, I've had some serious issues with making coffee.

First off, there was the problem of me not having the correct coffee maker. When I had been shopping for my dorm things over the summer, my dad said that he had a coffee maker which he hadn't even taken out of the box yet. I said that was fine, I'm not a fan of unnecessary spending. It turns out, that was a 5-cup coffee maker, which is kind of large due to the fact that it was to sit on my desk. I still took it to school, and struggled with figuring out how to work it. Seriously? Who struggles with using a simple coffee maker? Clearly, the answer is "Fatima."

Anyway, my mom decided to get me a single cup coffee maker, which was nice. We returned the other one, even though we had used it, because Target is awesome.

With my new single cup coffee maker that I knew how to use, I had severe issues with the coffee grounds that I had brought to make my coffee with. I had gone shopping with my mom and gone shopping with my dad on separate occasions, and they had both bought me some. Turns out, the ones my dad got me were whole beans, which we didn't realize  while we were shopping. The ones my mom got me were light roast, and I quickly came to realize that my taste buds were not a fan of them.

So, the weekend after that, I grabbed the hazelnut coffee grounds I use at home, so that I could make myself tasty coffee when I actually needed it: at 8:00am on a weekday.

After those problems had been solved and coffee was being made really easily, it just tasted downright awful. Honestly, I don't even know why. It would taste fine when I made coffee at home. It could be the difference in water, or maybe I was adding wrong proportions of milk and sugar, but somehow it would be too bitter and too watery at the same time.

My most recent problem, made apparent on Friday, was that the water wouldn't go through the reservoir. I'm sure it's something I'm doing incorrectly again, but it was pretty frustrating to be running late for class and finding that my coffee maker only made me 1/4 a cup of coffee.

The most logical conclusion is that my coffee maker is cursed.

Reality check.

On Friday, I hit a low point in my thus far short career of being a college student.

Good grief, you should have seen me.
Now, let me begin this story by informing you that I had decided to skip my 9 am class that day. I know, I know, bad Fatima! But what you don't understand is that I live on the St. Paul Campus, and my classes are all in Minneapolis. Yes I can take the campus connector to Minneapolis from St. Paul and it's really useful! It runs every five minutes! as I was told a million times during orientation, but it takes half an hour to get from my dorm to Minneapolis, not counting any walking time.

Which means that for my 9 am class, which I have everyday, I have to wake up at 7.

Awful.

So I hope you will forgive me just this once.

Let's continue the story.
I had decided to skip because 1) I was really tired. and 2) I had to work on an essay outline that had to be turned in for my second class of the day, one at 12:20. See? Even when I skip it's for good reasons...

but. I woke up at 10:30. Which meant I had to come up with a thesis statement and quickly write the essay outline, get all my stuff together for my class, eat something, change my clothes, make my face look decent, yada yada yada, all in an hour and 20 minutes.

This was one of the profund moments which helped me realize how cushy home life is. If I had been at home, I wouldn't have had to mulitask by trying to change my clothes, crack open my first container of easy mac, make coffee, and run upstairs to the computer lab to print out the essay outline, all while trying to make sure I got on the bus on time. My mom would have done some of that stuff for me. Sigh.

You should have seen me...I wore the same yoga pants that I slept in to class...I had my lanyard around my neck...I ate easy mac on the bus.

Hot mess.

Oh well... as the kids say nowadays.... yolo?

I'm sure that I'll get better with time management as I get more used to living "on my own-ish", and that this episode of my struggling will be amusing to me when I think about it as a senior in college. Heck, it's amusing now, too.

It's just a weird change, because most of us are so excited about living semi on our own that we forget we have to take care of a lot of things ourselves and manage our own time, because no one will take that responsibility for us anymore.

What a reality check.

"Fall has always been my favorite season...

...The time when everything bursts with its last beauty, as if nature had been saving up all year for the grand finale." - Lauren DeStefano.

I'm currently sitting in one of the many student lounges of my residence hall. I'm surrounded by Intro to Film stuff (because I have an essay due tomorrow) and chocolate milk (because it's delicious), and I can't stop thinking about what a perfect fall day it was today (side note...Sarah Sham just walked by....awkward...).

Minnesota usually has this problem where it's hot as hell in September, then we have one week of nice fall weather at the beginning of October, and then suddenly, it's snowing. That is always so upsetting to me because autumn is clearly the best season out of the four. I know I mentioned my love for fall in like one line at the end of my last blog post, but I thought why not just make you feel uncomfortable with how much I like this season?

I would just like to take a second to extend a thank you to the weather, a wonderful 68° today! Can you believe that? I heard it was pretty cold and rain-y at the game on Saturday, but the weather has been great today.

Fall is, in a word, perfect. Look at this picture I took today on campus. How gorgeous is that? I know it's cliche to talk about the colors of the leaves during autumn, but they're too pretty to not do so. Like the quote at the beginning of this post said, it's like nature had been saving up for this moment to shine, a last hurrah before everything gets covered in fluffy white snow (which is, of course, beautiful in its own way).

Onto more superficial things.

I've recently become obsessed with sweaters, because they're like a cuter, more stylish version of sweatshirts. Think about it. For me at least, after I put on a sweater, I just add jeans and some footwear (I love my new riding boots. or my combat boots) and done. It always gives the impression that you put more thought into your outfit than you actually did. I want a cute cable knit sweater, because I've seen some girls wearing them with button down shirts underneath and ohmygosh. So cute.

Another clothing item: scarves. I have way too many, and this season is the perfect time to throw on a different one every day of the week. 

During this season, you also have a great variety of choices when it comes to beverages. In the summer or spring time, there's iced tea. There's lemonade. There's soda (but who wants to drink that all the time?). Fall (and winter, I suppose...) are the prime time for warm beverages. When I get up in the morning I drink some coffee. Later, I might have some Pakistani chai. Then I could drink hot chocolate or the awesome chai tea latte stuff Kira gave me. It's so nice to just grab one of these beverages, cuddle up in a cozy sweater, grab a soft blanket and sit on a comfy chair and read. Ugh.

So basically, yes. I have a huge crush on this season, okay?!

~ Fatima

Oh My God.

The post I made before this one talked about how I wouldn't stop writing on this blog.

Posted on June 27, 2012. That's embarrassing.

It is officially 108 days since I made a blog post and I now know better than to say "it's different this time, I'll regularly post to my blog." I think by doing that, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make the blog post, even though there is probably no one that is reading it anymore.

It's also kind of awkward, because coming to this blank template is like seeing a friend you used to be really close with. It used to be so easy to talk to them and tell them what you're thinking, but after so much has changed, you don't even know where to begin.

It's funny because even though I'm the closest to home, I'm the one that has been the least successful in adjusting to college life. I think there's many reasons for that; one, I've never really been away from home before. I never really slept over at friends' houses (it wasn't allowed), and I never wen't to sleep away camp. Another reason is that I wasn't really expecting to live in a dorm, so I never mentally prepared myself for it. Lastly, the compromise I had with my parents on living in a dorm was that I would come home on the weekends. It's a good cure to homesickness but a kick in the face to making friends, because the weekends are when everyone hangs out and gets to know each other.

So yeah it's been kind of slow and tough, but I've also been really awkward with making friends. My first couple of weeks at Wayzata were torturous until I became friends with Haley. I'm sure the same things is happening now.

Sorry to whine, but hey, like I said. I'm sure no one is reading this.

On a happier note, I'm so happy it's fall! I hope Minnesota lets us have more than a week or so before it starts snowing. I'm really excited because fall means sweaters and scarves and boots and mittens and hot drinks and blankets and pretty leaves and ❤.

~ Fatima