fact check

so, i've attempted to blog several times. in 2010 i had a blog that was titled "just a small town girl"...yeah. anyway, on the inaugural post of that blog (which was titled "awkward introduction" like isn't that the most 2010 thing you've ever heard?), I listed 10 random facts about myself. it's funny to look back on them and see how things have changed. edits have been made to the 16 year old's blog entry by a now 22 years old fatima. 

10/23/2010 | 07/15/2016
1. I don't have any pets. One reason for this is because i am lazy, and I doubt i'd be able to take care of another living organism. BUT! If I could, I would get one of those really cute furry dogs, that are called... Maltese? SO CUTE. 
my family has a cat now! her name is luna and she is adorable. i am obsessed. we got her february 2015.

2. My favorite soda is Pepsi. This sucks because most restaurants have Coke. ("Can I have Pepsi?" "Is Coke okay?" "....fine.")
this is still very true. i also love how dramatic i was about the pepsi crisis.

3. I am apparently obsessed with polka dots.
awww. i remember when this was a thing. polka dots were always a pattern i was drawn to. however i have outgrown that for the most part, but i am still a fan of kate spade merch which is primarily polka dots. so there is some lingering affection there. 

4. HARRY POTTER. Need I say more....?
so cute <3 .="" a="" but="" font="" freak="" harry="" is="" less="" material="" nbsp="" nerd.="" of="" original="" out="" over.="" potter="" still="" the="" there="" to="">

5. The name of my blog is what it is because that's what I kind of was? Before I moved to where I currently live I did live in a small town and I loved it.
yikes girl you gotta chill. 

6. Dwight K. Schrute is a freaking beast.
obviously still true af. i rewatched the office not too long ago. 

7. I am glancing around my room as I type this list trying to come up with crazy things to put down. I also asked my best friend to tell me something, so we'll see what she says and write that down for #10.
ok fatima this is so not a fact about you. like how lame. also aw i was so sad and lonely around this time because i missed my small town friends. 

8. I would LOVE to study abroad.
I did not study abroad...but i have been fortunate to be able to go abroad with my family in the past year or so. 

9. I don't wear make up because I don't know how to put it on. Ha...ha...ha.
this is my favorite one because as i have gotten older i have learned to like and appreciate makeup. i used to think of applying makeup as a chore, and couldn't even put on eyeliner. i worked really hard to put on makeup for eid and someone actually asked me, "who did your makeup?".....like best day ever. shallow, but true. 

10. I hate scary movies :( [thanks Amber, i love you. haha.]
this is still so true. unfortunately i am a giant baby. also i haven't talked to amber in years...life. 

friendships and relationships are strange.

in the process of getting to know someone and becoming their friend, we go through many stages. in the initial stages of being friends with someone, we have little expectations of a give-and-take relationship. we don't expect them to behave in any particular way to us, because the friendship is so new, we don't feel that they owe us in any way yet. 

eventually, should this friendship progress and become more than surface level, you start to rely on them. you start to have certain expectations and believes about their behavior. you sacrifice for them, and they sacrifice for you, at least that is the expectation and hope.

as friendships progress, it is only natural that we create our own frame of mind as to what that relationship is supposed to provide for us. for example, as i become better and better friends with someone i may expect that they are my go to person to talk about my problems with and vent to. they might also vent to me. in this way, we have a give-and-take relationship that has formed, and which is obviously different from the relationship we had when we were initially introduced to one anther. 

however, what happens when that person suddenly pulls back? they suddenly stop doing what you expect of them. and this may sound weird or unfair, but i don't mean it in a way that's like "this is the behavior i expect from you and you are never allowed to be upset or have a bad day or behave differently." i mean a drastic change in personality, from basically being really close friends to them suddenly deciding that you're not important anymore. almost overnight - not a natural growing apart. 

when i was initially dealing with this, i wanted to punch myself because i was like "wow i completely wasted all this time and energy in a friendship that didn't even last." because my expectation was that this friendship would last a long time. that i would be able to rely on this friend for years to come.

i have come to find, though, that often times the purpose of a friendship or relationship may not be what we expect or like, but that doesn't mean we can't reap the benefits. sometimes, even though you think you will be friends for life with someone, the actual purpose of the relationship is to serve as a lesson. you might learn that you shouldn't give your heart to people that won't treat it well. that is the benefit. you will no longer make that mistake in the future, and the friendship that fell apart has served its purpose. 

i feel like that's such a nice way to put the ending of some friendships to rest. like it is of course going to hurt, it's going to suck! but you can do it because you will be made stronger after learning the lesson that came from that friendship that fell apart. 

just some thoughts i had. sorry if this post seems garbled, i am watching grey's anatomy at the same time and meredith got the shit beat out of her by a patient so that was insane, i typed it out in between covering my face and ears. 


so yeah.

- f

I used to have a very strong and severe obsession with being liked.

I wanted everything I did, wore, said, to be liked and appreciated by everyone. It was important for me that no one dislike me or say anything about me. The idea of someone talking about me in any way was terrifying, so for this reason I would also lay low and not talk much so to avoid being a topic of conversation for anyone. I very clearly remember one time in ninth grade I wore gladiator sandals like this, and a friend made a passing comment on them like "whoa your shoes!" That was it. Nothing in her voice said that she disliked them or thought they were weird even. However, that one comment made me wish I had brought a different pair of shoes that drew less attention to myself.

As I get older, I realize how stupid this is. I think this is a common lesson people learn as they grow older: you can't worry and fret over what everyone says about you.

It's kind of beating a dead horse, but its so true that not everyone will like you. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” That and all the other cheesy quotes that seem like BS are just so true.

At this point in my life, if I feel that someone is not treating me with the kind of friendship I treat them with, that's it. I distance myself from them because crying over relationships where you care more than they do is just a waste of energy. I learned this the hard way a month ago. I can't pull fake BS and act one way to someone's face and then not actually value their friendship. That's just not me, and in my opinion I feel like that is kind of two faced. There is nothing wrong with being civil and polite, but if you don't want to hang out with me, for example, do not text me "we should hang out!" because I have no time or energy to waste in these fake interactions.

When I feel that a friendship can be salvaged or I truly value a friendship, I have learned to call out BS that upsets me, or ask if I made a mistake when I feel like the other person is distancing themselves from me. I don't believe in just ending friendships over small misunderstandings. However, at that point the ball is in the other person's court. If you continue to make those same mistakes, or you say "nothing is wrong" and continue to act distant, there is nothing that can be done at that point. The interactions and fakeness are now a waste of time.

I hope I don't sound bitchy in this blogpost. The fact of the matter is that I refuse to beat myself up over people that don't care. Because at the end of the day, you are spending your energy in worrying over the friendship, while they don't care. They are living in your head rent-free, and no one should have that power over you.

Honestly I have decided that I choose myself first, and am trying to live my life by the following quote: "other people give me their observation, and I give it meaning. I get to choose what that meaning is." Ugh, i love that. It is so empowering.

Anyway.

- F