fact check

so, i've attempted to blog several times. in 2010 i had a blog that was titled "just a small town girl"...yeah. anyway, on the inaugural post of that blog (which was titled "awkward introduction" like isn't that the most 2010 thing you've ever heard?), I listed 10 random facts about myself. it's funny to look back on them and see how things have changed. edits have been made to the 16 year old's blog entry by a now 22 years old fatima. 

10/23/2010 | 07/15/2016
1. I don't have any pets. One reason for this is because i am lazy, and I doubt i'd be able to take care of another living organism. BUT! If I could, I would get one of those really cute furry dogs, that are called... Maltese? SO CUTE. 
my family has a cat now! her name is luna and she is adorable. i am obsessed. we got her february 2015.

2. My favorite soda is Pepsi. This sucks because most restaurants have Coke. ("Can I have Pepsi?" "Is Coke okay?" "....fine.")
this is still very true. i also love how dramatic i was about the pepsi crisis.

3. I am apparently obsessed with polka dots.
awww. i remember when this was a thing. polka dots were always a pattern i was drawn to. however i have outgrown that for the most part, but i am still a fan of kate spade merch which is primarily polka dots. so there is some lingering affection there. 

4. HARRY POTTER. Need I say more....?
so cute <3 .="" a="" but="" font="" freak="" harry="" is="" less="" material="" nbsp="" nerd.="" of="" original="" out="" over.="" potter="" still="" the="" there="" to="">

5. The name of my blog is what it is because that's what I kind of was? Before I moved to where I currently live I did live in a small town and I loved it.
yikes girl you gotta chill. 

6. Dwight K. Schrute is a freaking beast.
obviously still true af. i rewatched the office not too long ago. 

7. I am glancing around my room as I type this list trying to come up with crazy things to put down. I also asked my best friend to tell me something, so we'll see what she says and write that down for #10.
ok fatima this is so not a fact about you. like how lame. also aw i was so sad and lonely around this time because i missed my small town friends. 

8. I would LOVE to study abroad.
I did not study abroad...but i have been fortunate to be able to go abroad with my family in the past year or so. 

9. I don't wear make up because I don't know how to put it on. Ha...ha...ha.
this is my favorite one because as i have gotten older i have learned to like and appreciate makeup. i used to think of applying makeup as a chore, and couldn't even put on eyeliner. i worked really hard to put on makeup for eid and someone actually asked me, "who did your makeup?".....like best day ever. shallow, but true. 

10. I hate scary movies :( [thanks Amber, i love you. haha.]
this is still so true. unfortunately i am a giant baby. also i haven't talked to amber in years...life. 

friendships and relationships are strange.

in the process of getting to know someone and becoming their friend, we go through many stages. in the initial stages of being friends with someone, we have little expectations of a give-and-take relationship. we don't expect them to behave in any particular way to us, because the friendship is so new, we don't feel that they owe us in any way yet. 

eventually, should this friendship progress and become more than surface level, you start to rely on them. you start to have certain expectations and believes about their behavior. you sacrifice for them, and they sacrifice for you, at least that is the expectation and hope.

as friendships progress, it is only natural that we create our own frame of mind as to what that relationship is supposed to provide for us. for example, as i become better and better friends with someone i may expect that they are my go to person to talk about my problems with and vent to. they might also vent to me. in this way, we have a give-and-take relationship that has formed, and which is obviously different from the relationship we had when we were initially introduced to one anther. 

however, what happens when that person suddenly pulls back? they suddenly stop doing what you expect of them. and this may sound weird or unfair, but i don't mean it in a way that's like "this is the behavior i expect from you and you are never allowed to be upset or have a bad day or behave differently." i mean a drastic change in personality, from basically being really close friends to them suddenly deciding that you're not important anymore. almost overnight - not a natural growing apart. 

when i was initially dealing with this, i wanted to punch myself because i was like "wow i completely wasted all this time and energy in a friendship that didn't even last." because my expectation was that this friendship would last a long time. that i would be able to rely on this friend for years to come.

i have come to find, though, that often times the purpose of a friendship or relationship may not be what we expect or like, but that doesn't mean we can't reap the benefits. sometimes, even though you think you will be friends for life with someone, the actual purpose of the relationship is to serve as a lesson. you might learn that you shouldn't give your heart to people that won't treat it well. that is the benefit. you will no longer make that mistake in the future, and the friendship that fell apart has served its purpose. 

i feel like that's such a nice way to put the ending of some friendships to rest. like it is of course going to hurt, it's going to suck! but you can do it because you will be made stronger after learning the lesson that came from that friendship that fell apart. 

just some thoughts i had. sorry if this post seems garbled, i am watching grey's anatomy at the same time and meredith got the shit beat out of her by a patient so that was insane, i typed it out in between covering my face and ears. 


so yeah.

- f

I used to have a very strong and severe obsession with being liked.

I wanted everything I did, wore, said, to be liked and appreciated by everyone. It was important for me that no one dislike me or say anything about me. The idea of someone talking about me in any way was terrifying, so for this reason I would also lay low and not talk much so to avoid being a topic of conversation for anyone. I very clearly remember one time in ninth grade I wore gladiator sandals like this, and a friend made a passing comment on them like "whoa your shoes!" That was it. Nothing in her voice said that she disliked them or thought they were weird even. However, that one comment made me wish I had brought a different pair of shoes that drew less attention to myself.

As I get older, I realize how stupid this is. I think this is a common lesson people learn as they grow older: you can't worry and fret over what everyone says about you.

It's kind of beating a dead horse, but its so true that not everyone will like you. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” That and all the other cheesy quotes that seem like BS are just so true.

At this point in my life, if I feel that someone is not treating me with the kind of friendship I treat them with, that's it. I distance myself from them because crying over relationships where you care more than they do is just a waste of energy. I learned this the hard way a month ago. I can't pull fake BS and act one way to someone's face and then not actually value their friendship. That's just not me, and in my opinion I feel like that is kind of two faced. There is nothing wrong with being civil and polite, but if you don't want to hang out with me, for example, do not text me "we should hang out!" because I have no time or energy to waste in these fake interactions.

When I feel that a friendship can be salvaged or I truly value a friendship, I have learned to call out BS that upsets me, or ask if I made a mistake when I feel like the other person is distancing themselves from me. I don't believe in just ending friendships over small misunderstandings. However, at that point the ball is in the other person's court. If you continue to make those same mistakes, or you say "nothing is wrong" and continue to act distant, there is nothing that can be done at that point. The interactions and fakeness are now a waste of time.

I hope I don't sound bitchy in this blogpost. The fact of the matter is that I refuse to beat myself up over people that don't care. Because at the end of the day, you are spending your energy in worrying over the friendship, while they don't care. They are living in your head rent-free, and no one should have that power over you.

Honestly I have decided that I choose myself first, and am trying to live my life by the following quote: "other people give me their observation, and I give it meaning. I get to choose what that meaning is." Ugh, i love that. It is so empowering.

Anyway.

- F

Different.

(Side note before I start this blog post: I am currently sitting in a Caribou Coffee with my latte to my left, typing out this blog post, and I have never in my life felt so incredibly douchey.)

Anyway.

It is weird how much we change and grow from the time we graduate high school and go through a couple years of college. I feel like, in theory, it isn't weird, because obviously spending so much time in such a different environment is bound to change you as a person. But when you see the results right in front of you... I personally feel like I dissociate a little bit. It is very... weird.

Several examples of this have been brought to my attention in the very recent past few weeks. I began talking again with someone that I was very good friends with in high school, and some of the actions this person took recently disappointed me (to say the least). I discussed it with my friend Sara, and she told me, "they are not the same person from high school. The person you were friends with was someone else." That is so sad, but also so true. I think we hold the people we knew well once upon a time to these unfair standards, where we want them to behave exactly the way they would have when they were seventeen years old, because that's how we knew them, so it's only fair. But it isn't fair. I myself am not the same person I was when I was seventeen, not at all.

Examples of this were brought up recently as well:
1) Me being told that I sound much more mature and older now than I did when I was in high school.
2) My lovely friend Kira telling me that I was much more "aggressive" and demanding when it came to standing up for myself, and that it impressed her.

Those are two small things that were brought to my attention recently. I'm sure there are more. But it just sort of puts it into perspective. People grow and change and hopefully it is for the better, but even if it may not be how you want them to behave, they are growing and maturing in a way that will hopefully better themselves in the end. It's normal and fair for people to look out for themselves first. It's like what they say when they're giving safety instructions on the airplane..."put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others." Does that make sense?

So... yeah. That was a jumble of a lot of cryptic thoughts. I had stuff on my mind and tried to let it out.

Anyway. Life goes on. Short disastrous weeks of summer will hopefully repair themselves to go back to how it used to be. Right...?

Love,
Fatima

☕

Hi. Yes. Hello.

I know what you're thinking. "She doesn't blog for three years, and then posts something two days in a row." Oh well. I feel like I should be utilizing this blog more to deal with my constantly bottled up feelings. Writing is a great outlet, and from what I recall I didn't have as many messy problems my senior year when I was regularly posting to this blog.

But then again... "nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed." What a painfully accurate quote.

I don't really have anything special to say. I just felt like typing this out as a way to again procrastinate from my MCAT studying, as well as stop my eyes from flitting to my phone to see if someone texted me back. Yikes.

Anyway. I am currently sitting at a small corner table in Starbucks, one that can barely hold all my things (I definitely dropped my notebook on the floor a little while ago and a cute old lady wearing a pearl necklace and perfectly manicured fingers gave me the sweetest smile in response to my tragically clumsy self). One of the baristas was cleaning the floor so he moved all the tables and chairs to one area on the floor, and it took everything in me to not ask him if he needed any help. I did ask him if he wanted me to move to a different spot, and with a nice smile he replied, no, of course not. So I continued to watch him while thinking about question 181 in my chemistry prep book (When methane gas and oxygen gas are made to undergo combustion in a sealed container, and the temperature brought bak to the original temperature....what?)

Thats all. Fin. Adios. Bye.

Love,
Fatima

2015.

Hi Blog.

I have been talking to old friends from AP Comp recently, and it made me nostalgic for the time in my life when I took one of my favorite classes in high school, which involved an even briefer time when I was writing so much and so often, that I actually looked back at what I wrote and thought to myself, "wow. This is pretty good."

Anyway. Of course as soon as senior year ended and the blog posts were no longer required, I stopped writing them, even though I told myself I wouldn't. That's how it usually goes for me. So I won't be making any promises this time, but you never know...

Reading back on my old posts, it is so funny to see how much has changed. In a blog post I wrote on January 7, 2012, I discussed how I definitely did not want to become a doctor the way everyone expected me to, just because of my dad. I passionately state how I want to do something with writing when I am in college, because writing makes me happy. And yet...

I am about to go into my senior year of college. And guess what? I went the pre-med route. I will be taking the MCAT in exactly 18 days from now (something I should be studying for instead of writing this blog post...). I am constantly stressing about who to get letters of rec from, wondering if I'll get into medical school, and imaging myself in my white coat.

It's funny how things change. It's also kind of sad. Even though I don't regret going the pre-med route; I regret becoming complacent with my writing abilities, and I regret maybe not making every decision with the thought that "this is what will make me happy." I'm blabbing now.

I did go into college thinking that i would major in English, but I wasn't sure where this would take me. I ended up majoring in Child Psychology with a minor in Neuroscience, and on the pre-med track, and I am set to graduate in exactly...10 months. Oh man.

Anyway. This post was nostalgic and I miss blogging, even though I'm sure no one will be reading this. So it is basically like I am standing on a stage in an empty auditorium, whining about growing up. Maybe I will come back to this blog. Maybe.

Love,

Fatima 

Dear Fatima...

Hello, Fatima of the future, it's past-you again.

I know, I know, I just wrote to you less than a year ago, but since I haven't received any signs that you time traveled to the year 2012 to communicate with me and give me some answers, the questions and confusion just keep increasing.

So here's another letter to you.

I'm almost nineteen, and I'm finally in college. I know that last time I wrote to you, I seriously had issues with high school, and just wanted to be done so that I could start college. Come November of my freshman year, I'm not so sure I like this better. The adults that I interact with will insist that these college years are the best years of my life! and I'm sure they are! It's just that right now...everything seems confusing and I just want answers.

I went to this networking event yesterday, where alumni came to the U to talk with students, give advice, and serve as connections for us in the future. All of them talked about how they came to be in the professions that they were currently in, and a majority of them followed random paths that they said had a lot to do with luck and being in the right place at the right time.

This. Drives. Me. Crazy.

I'm a planner. It's true. No matter how fun and carefree and free spirited all those "go with the flow" people are, I've always been one that loves to have every detail planned out. I think being in college has intensified this.

Being a planner and wanting a solid foundation makes this "oh you'll figure out a way" mentality seriously overwhelms me. For everyone that I've talked to about being stressed out about picking a major has always responded with "well, you're a freshman! You have a lot of time!" No! I don't think I do. I like thinking of my future career as a destination, and I can't follow the map and take the shortest route if I have no idea where I'm supposed to end up.

Future Fatima...I really hope you found something that you were passionate about to pursue as a career, something that makes you happy but also supports you. I really hope that I stumble across this passion soon.

Love,

Fatima

The curse of the coffee maker.

Coffee makers are a really simple way to make yourself a nice cup of coffee in the morning, right? All you have to do is fill the water reservoir with the correct amount of water, add some coffee grounds to the filter, and turn it on. In about 5 minutes you should have a nice, steaming cup of coffee.

Right?

Um, no.

For some reason, since the beginning of September, I've had some serious issues with making coffee.

First off, there was the problem of me not having the correct coffee maker. When I had been shopping for my dorm things over the summer, my dad said that he had a coffee maker which he hadn't even taken out of the box yet. I said that was fine, I'm not a fan of unnecessary spending. It turns out, that was a 5-cup coffee maker, which is kind of large due to the fact that it was to sit on my desk. I still took it to school, and struggled with figuring out how to work it. Seriously? Who struggles with using a simple coffee maker? Clearly, the answer is "Fatima."

Anyway, my mom decided to get me a single cup coffee maker, which was nice. We returned the other one, even though we had used it, because Target is awesome.

With my new single cup coffee maker that I knew how to use, I had severe issues with the coffee grounds that I had brought to make my coffee with. I had gone shopping with my mom and gone shopping with my dad on separate occasions, and they had both bought me some. Turns out, the ones my dad got me were whole beans, which we didn't realize  while we were shopping. The ones my mom got me were light roast, and I quickly came to realize that my taste buds were not a fan of them.

So, the weekend after that, I grabbed the hazelnut coffee grounds I use at home, so that I could make myself tasty coffee when I actually needed it: at 8:00am on a weekday.

After those problems had been solved and coffee was being made really easily, it just tasted downright awful. Honestly, I don't even know why. It would taste fine when I made coffee at home. It could be the difference in water, or maybe I was adding wrong proportions of milk and sugar, but somehow it would be too bitter and too watery at the same time.

My most recent problem, made apparent on Friday, was that the water wouldn't go through the reservoir. I'm sure it's something I'm doing incorrectly again, but it was pretty frustrating to be running late for class and finding that my coffee maker only made me 1/4 a cup of coffee.

The most logical conclusion is that my coffee maker is cursed.